Enrage Your Customer, Part 3: Stockouts

This is the third installment in a parody series about doing bad business. The content herein should not be taken seriously. CommerceBlitz is in no way liable for the stupid consequences of following this stupid advice.

“Do you have this product in stock?” It might be the most basic lay-up of a question a customer has ever asked you. Whether it’s in a brick-and-mortar store or online in a live chat, if someone asks you if you have a particular SKU, it usually means they’re ready to try it or purchase outright. But you don’t want a happy customer, do you? No! You want to infuriate them! Prove that neither you or your staff know what they’re doing by making this obvious opportunity for a sale into a living hell for everyone – just by following these easy steps.

Hire an extra person to make incorrect inventory adjustments between your ecommerce and your warehouse instead of having a reliable sync function, and leave the process vulnerable to constant error. In fact, why make software a solution at all? Just pay for a team that you can pay 5x more than a computer to do the process wrong – and as an added bonus, they’ll need three days to do it.

Next, you’ll want to make sure your operation is leaky as all hell. Don’t bother with a security system, cameras are creepy. Don’t create an inventory process that ensures accountability either – why would you want to keep record of who’s near your precious merchandise at all times when you can just trust a temp you barely know? If someone steals, forgive and forget! They probably needed that product more than you did.

What? Isn’t that what you wanted? After all, they kept bothering you all the time! Now you don’t have to deal with them anymore!