This is the first blog in our parody series about making customers really mad. You should strive to do the exact opposite of everything we suggest herein. Don’t say we didn’t warn you!

If you want to do business terribly, your primary mission has to be to make your customers really, really angry. One of the best ways to do that is to make them scream at the top of their lungs over something they have no control over because you messed up. “How did they lose my package?!” “I can’t believe no one knows where it is!” This is all preventable – but do it your way to cut corners!

Did you know that Stamps.com cites lost, smeared, or illegible shipping labels as the number one cause of a lost package? If you want to really bump up those chances of losing a shipment, treat the label like a used napkin you’re going to take really unimportant notes on. Have your staff write on it with awful cat scratch handwriting instead of using a solid printer. If you have a printer, use really bad ink that smears as soon as someone touches it! And as for the label itself, don’t worry — there are plenty of low-quality shipping labels that use the weakest adhesive on the planet. Put those bad boys near the edge of the box so they can fall off from the slightest contact and get lost forever. 

Of course, there is a chance you could do your job and mitigate for as many potential errors as possible. But you’re not that person, are you? No, you want to make your customer blow steam out of their ears. So instead of putting an extra address label inside the customer’s package with their information clearly printed on it… just leave it out. No big deal! Everything’s going to be fine, and plus, that extra $0.03 could really break your business more than a flood of negative customer reviews!

Send your customer the wrong item, and then when they demand an exchange, send them the wrong number of the correct item and claim you did your job because the tracking proves they received a package. While you’re at it, skip the tracking info altogether; there’s nothing a customer hates more than guessing where their shipment is stuck for the next five days to eight weeks!

Wait – we forgot the best part. Aside from potentially ruining someone’s Christmas or making them spend three hours on hold with the postal service, you’ll get to spend time on filling out claim forms instead of taking care of your customers. It could take five days to get a refund on a single package, and sometimes filling out the claim will be even more expensive than the original shipping cost. Isn’t that great?! If that sounds ideal to you, just wait until bad reviews come pouring in. You’ll be hearing from hundreds of enraged customers in no time!

Oh, and definitely use a super complicated inventory management system that doesn’t sync your inventory right, so that you can spend the time you’re not already spending losing people’s shipments by making them think you have adequate stock when you actually don’t!

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This headache-inducing nightmare scenario brought to you by CommerceBlitz, the warehouse and wholesale software that makes you – and customers – happy. CommerceBlitz prioritizes simplicity and ease of use, so you can concentrate on the most important parts of your business, earn those positive reviews, and never lose a package!