This is the second installment in a parody series about doing bad business. The content herein should not be taken seriously. Logistics for Hire is in no way liable for the stupid consequences of following this stupid advice.

We’ve all been on those bad customer service calls that make us want to scream. Whether it’s a shipping error, a defected product, or any one of hundreds of potential problems, sometimes things just fall apart. Fortunately for you, here at L4H we’ve compiled the ultimate collection of best tips and practices for anyone who wants to perfect the art of hellish support relationship management. Use this information wisely to torture your customer and know that you’re doing terrible business!

First, let’s go over some classic examples. Make your phone menu unbearably confusing (“dial 1 for customer services, 2 for user services,” etc). Make the customer wait on hold for 45 minutes, and as soon as you pick up, let them know you have to transfer them and make them wait another hour – they’ll be over the moon when they finally get to speak to you! Use unbearably annoying hold music – and if the customer is still standing, just hang up on them. They’ll have the repeat the whole process over again, except they’ll be number 3000 in the queue.

In a live chat, use really vague and robotic fluff language. Make it seem like you understand their issue, and then throw them a curve ball that has nothing to do with it. If you actually understand the issue, make them repeat themselves five times – just to get their blood boiling. If humans are too important to deal with customers, use an annoying chatbot that can’t accomplish easy tasks.

If you ever consider making it seem like you care about the customer, talk a big game but leave them high and dry. Play up “community” and “great response times” on social media but ignore every single comment and DM. Don’t invest in a CRM system that links support tickets to a customer profile with their order history; that way, you’ll be completely clueless when you’re talking to them! Say you’ll call or email them back and then never even consider doing so. It’ll make them infuriated!

When your customer finally gets a hold of you and seems upset… good! Make it worse. Promise them a refund and then don’t follow through. Be lazy and claim that every potential solution goes against your policy. Say you have to put them on hold while you ask the warehouse staff because you don’t have an inventory management system and can’t look up something up yourself. If they want a return, make them pay for shipping instead of printing a custom return label for them. When you get the package back, take forever to process their refund. Blame it on COVID-19 and then just forget about it. And why even accept returns in the first place? That’s way too much effort! It’s their fault for trusting you.

If none of these terrible customer service techniques succeed in making the customer want to abandon you, just try ignoring them altogether. Take a really long time – the maximum possible amount – to answer emails; better yet, stop answering altogether. And disconnect your phone line; after all, what you don’t know can’t hurt you! If you have to suck it up and ship out a new product just to avoid a lawsuit… mess it up anyway! It’ll make a pesky customer leave you alone for good.

The techniques we’ve gone over are sure fire, guaranteed ways to enrage your customer – but if you need more, consider losing their shipment or stocking out of everything they want.

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This headache-inducing nightmare scenario brought to you by CommerceBlitz, the warehouse and wholesale software that makes you – and customers – happy. CommerceBlitz prioritizes simplicity and ease of use, so you can concentrate on the most important parts of your business, earn those positive reviews, and never lose a package!